The Boehner Monument

I just got back to the hotel after a midnight tour of the monuments with my Russian fiancée. The Capitol Building, despite all of the chicanery, is absolutely magnificent in its classical circular symmetry. The twenty-foot Statue of Freedom that crowns the dome is still the spindle around which the world rotates.

The Washington Monument is so tall and gracefully proportioned that you have to stand at the base of it to realize just how shockingly massive that structure is. Lincoln sits in grim majesty, as if keeping an eye on those miscreants at the end of the national mall. Jefferson stands alone, away from Washington and Lincoln, and all of the war monuments; looking at the placement of the building and the statue inside it you get the impression that the architect of freedom is somehow too regal, too aristocratic to mix with the lesser gods just across the pool of water.

And as we were closing this evening’s majestic tour, we stopped briefly in front of the Boehner Monument. The memorial to the former Speaker of the House is a seedy, shabby, 24-hour, booze and cigarette shop lit by a fluorescent tubes that flash and hiss intermittently. I personally feel this is more than he deserves.

John Boehner recently said that the full repeal of Obamacare “is not what’s going to happen.”

“They’ll fix Obamacare, and I shouldn’t have called it repeal and replace because that’s not what’s going to happen. They’re basically going to fix the flaws and put a more conservative box around it.”

More immortal rhetoric: “And all this happy talk that went on in November and December and January about repeal, repeal, repeal—yeah, we'll do replace, replace—I started laughing, because if you pass repeal without replace, first, anything that happens is your fault. You broke it.”

You keep laughing John. Your political philosophy as the Leader of the Opposition to government-controlled government control was reflected in the transcendent quotations engraved across the front of the Boehner Monument:


And, of course,


You were the leader of a party that gave Republicans the House in 2010, and the Senate in 2014, specifically to stop that power-mad, ankle-deep control freak from turning over a little girl’s kidney operation to the competence and professionalism of the DMV. We gave you the tools, John, and we didn’t ask for much, so forgive me for finding you finding this funny not funny at all.

What do you believe, Mr. Former Speaker? Is there anyone in the United States of America who can tell me what your principles are? Can you?

You had one job, John. Just stop the destruction of the Constitution you swore to defend. The Obamacare mandate was a tax, but if it had been called a tax it never would have passed. When you sneer that all that is going to happen will be to ‘fix the flaws’ in the Affordable Care Act, I think you are missing the point – again.

The Republicans do not have the power to fix the flaws in the ACA because the flaws in the ACA violate the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which is not something that you, or Barack Obama, or Loretta Lynch can simply decide not to enforce at your convenience.

That law states that the total entropy of a system always increases over time. Things go from complex to simple, from differentiated to uniform, from discrete sources of light and heat to a tepid blob of structureless soup.

It’s entropy, John: it is easier to have the government take care of you than it is to take care of yourself. It is easier to borrow than it is to repay. It is easier to tax a business than it is to run one. It’s easier to play a video game than it is to study to be a brain surgeon. It’s easier to get a spray-on tan to look healthy than it is to do actual work out in the sun and be healthy. And so on.

The nation’s capital has monuments to the great men who have fought this tide of entropy; men who have brought order from chaos and not the other way around; men who fought and died to preserve delicate freedoms against the indestructible granite state that has to control every aspect of our lives.

You had history in your hands, you smug, insufferable little man. You had a chance to stand against the tide of tyranny, but that requires courage, dedication, intelligence, hard work, perseverance and above all character. All of these anti-entropy qualities take skill and especially effort, and you were far too lazy for that.

So you keep laughing, John. We are going to do it right in front of your eyes. And now, if you don’t mind, shuffle off into the sunset trailing a cloud of booze breath and stale smoke. Those of us who love this country have work to do – immeasurably more work to do than we would have if you had been even a slightly better man.

Published Feb 24, 2017